the summer list!

i'm taking a break from studying & it's about time to start my usual list of things i want to do this summer (but it's the first time i'm posting it on blogspot!)
NOTE: my summer starts Monday, May 3rd after my 4:30pm final, I'll be back in Rochester on the 4th. However, I'm going to be in Detroit Mon-Fri 9:30 to 7:30ish starting May 10th to August 5th or so (classes & internship). Sooo as you can tell, i'm not going to have much of a summer but let's make plans for when i'm free!


1) Go to at least one concert, I'd love to go to Eric Clapton or Train. Looking at the Warped Tour line up, I'm not impressed. Then again, I have been moving away from the whole genre that warped is moving towards. Though I'd love to go crowd surfing at least one more time
2) Road trip. Preferably to Grand Haven, Up North, Mackinac, or maybe Chicago (unlikely).
3) More trips to Stony Creek Metro Beach, or any beach.
4) If I don't make the Dean's List this semester (WIN 10) then I want to make it for the SPR/SUM 10 one. Bragging rights are sweet.
5) Get into even better shape than I was last summer. I stayed in relatively good shape over the school year so I'm pretty happy about that.
6) Learn more about the art of Chinese cooking...or whatever you want to call my mom's cooking since in all fairness, it's a bit out there sometimes.
7) Catch up w/ people I've been wanting to for a long time.
8) No hands spaghetti eating contest!
9) Get an apartment
10) Make & save enough money to pay for my apartment
11) Saturday morning Eastern Market trips
12) FUNK NIGHT. hopefully when it's not being held at the Majestic (i'm all for the underground experience)
13) If possible, borrow a fake & check out the club on the top floor of Los Galanes
14) Read more this summer. Yes, I actually like to read books for fun.
15) Learn how to drive a manual, I'm for serious on this. It's been two years & I'm still ignorant.
16) More disc golf, driving range, ultimate, soccer, volleyball, & swimming
17) Using my bike more too
18) ROAD RALLY. this needs to happen.
19) Finish the biofilm research & have enough material to get published! (how awesome would that be?)

I think this is a realistic number of things to do given my free time, but of course, if some sweet idea pops into my head I'll be updating the list.

today has been suhweeet

reasons:
1) best way possible to wake up this morning
2) went to the pharmacy school to fill out paperwork for my internship (okay, paperwork wasn't so much fun...but it means I'm getting paid!)
3) A in english (:
4) A in my physics quiz class
5) got the undergraduate summer research grant!
6) last HPS related gathering ever. yesss.
7) i have an A locked in for HPS! (:

so far, so good.

retainers

when your orthodontist tells you to wear your retainer, you really should.





in other news: i completely redid my room...as in i took a bunch of stuff home so i decided to deloft my bed & shifted it around a bit. yes, i'm actually sleeping w/ my mattress on a bed frame like a normal person! i'm liking the new set up even though it's just over a week till move out, but who's counting?

sleep deprivation

i got about four hours of sleep last night, enough to function but not enough for my short term memory. so after eating breakfast in the caf, i brought up two muffins. i remembered talking to Danielle & setting them down somewhere, making sure that they wouldn't fall over.
about 15 min later, i decided i wanted to eat them. except, i couldn't find them anywhere. so i walked around my entire room looking for them everywhere for about 10 min. luckily, i found them...in my closet. hahhaha. fail.

the little things

so a few minutes ago, i made a peanut butter sandwich w/ banana slices that Kristin suggested about a week ago at breakfast (it was really good btw). when i was put the banana slices on, i got out a knife & started slicing them (okay yeah go figure right?). but it started to remind me of when i was five because i remember slicing bananas to put them into my cereal like i did. slightly nostalgic? yes.
no, i won't write another obnoxiously huge post about nostalgia because i really don't have the time, but i love how such small tasks that seem so insignificant can trigger so many memories. the little things in life bring me happiness, which i'm a total dork for, but sometimes it's what helps me get through the day.

in example:
(taken about two min ago...i got too lazy to break out my camera & then upload the picture to here, webcam ftw!)
ps-matching the sticker was totally unintentional

lots of thoughts

NOTE: this has been edited on 6/6/2010; apparently more people read this than I thought & I've heard from more than one person how they've read this far back. Since I thought this was going to be a little more of a personal thing when I started writing, I've taken out & tweaked some of this because I'm just not comfortable w/ people I'm not close w/ knowing this much about me.



okay so i guess i lied in the last post where i said i would make my next post (AKA this one) happy.

lately, i've been thinking a lot about life, death, health, & family. only two of my friends know that my grandma passed away last week. i'm sad about it, but it's hard to be devastated because i've seen the woman three times in my life. i feel like i should be a bad person since she is my grandma & all, but i feel even worse that i'm almost forcing myself to feel sad. i guess i just can't relate to her, & for that matter, the rest of my family. which is what makes me feel worse more than her death. i feel for my family back there because they just lost some one & i know they're sad but at the same time (confession: i'm more sad knowing that my cousins are hurting than i am for my Grandma's passing), when i look at the situation, i see something completely different from them...most likely because i never really knew her or had to take care of her.
my Grandma (is it bad i don't even know her name??) has had a number of health conditions & her health has been deteriorating slowly over the last decade & it's caused her a great deal of pain & increased her dependence on my cousins, aunts, and uncles. so the way i see it, she died peacefully & i think given her long life, it's been the best way to go. if she did come out of her coma, there would be a number of obstacles to face...but honestly, for what? her quality of life would be drastically decreased-unable to walk & legally blind. in America, they aren't big factors, but in Malaysia, the culture's completely different.

which then makes me wonder when really is the point where some one should keep fighting death? i always saw when the quality of life has drastically decreased, but what exactly is that threshold? If you're somewhat close to me, you'll know what my dad's health is like but it never had a huge impact on me, even when i was told by my parents at 11 to expect my dad's death by the time I turned 13. However, recently I've come to realize what it's really like: he's putting himself through hell, fighting to stay alive. Behind closed doors, he's miserable. it hurts me to see him so unhappy. i know what's going on but i don't know how to change. i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about myself because i know what goes on at home but i haven't done much to make things better, which is something i'm trying to figure out why. paradoxal, i know, i don't understand it myself. It hurts me so much to see him like this, but when I go home it's so hard not to snap. being patient & taking shit is not my forte & i wish i could be a better person. i don't want to lose him just yet, but at the same time, i see that the signs are there. logic tells me that he should go, but i can't imagine my life w/o him. it's selfish as fuck, but i don't want him to pass before i have the chance to prove to him that i did turn out okay. i don't even know how to tell my dad any of this, he doesn't think this stuff affects me very much & i'm scared that if i do tell him how i feel, he's going to see how much it really does that he's going to stop telling me how he feels. something i may regret later? definitely, but i don't know how to go about everything, we aren't a family that shares these kinds of feelings. fail.
(this is choppy & doesn't make much sense after being edited, but I don't care)

Mortality overall has made me think about family a ton too, like what's going to happen once my dad & mom die. i don't want to lose contact w/ my cousins because i don't even know them & that seems really wrong to me. they ARE my family after all, but i know more about people that were complete strangers to me in the beginning of the year than my cousins, aunts, & uncles. combined. it really bothers me, maybe i shouldn't feel so bad since we're halfway around the world and for the most part, there's a huge language barrier, but i always loop back to the thought, "but they're family."
bringing me to another point, what really makes a family? i know technically it's people of the same gene pool blah blah, but what kind of factors actually make a group of people of the same lineage a family? i've been thinking about this for years now, especially because of the nature of my immediate family. i'm not going to elaborate on it here, it's the internet & i'm not comfortable w/ people knowing a ton about me. but i guess that's the beauty of blogging, it's such a useful tool to see how people think because they spill their thoughts here because they aren't intimately talking w/ some one so they don't hold back. (though once again, I could be taking this & myself way too seriously)

i can't really smoothly connect this next thought process to the above, but here it is: my health & my view of death. There are a number of health problems that run in my family that have shown up in successive generations that worry me. granted, i've had the opportunity of growing up in a completely different environment than the rest of my family. i know i'm only 19, but i can't help but worry. i've heard so much about the different problems my family members have had, the earliest starting at the age I am now. i can't help but wonder if i'll be next & how much time i have before then. so i guess that was the intro to what i really wanted to talk about. if some life threatening disease is meant to happen, it's going to happen. i'm not going to obsess if today's the day or dumb stuff like that-people die all the time from performing everyday tasks. i guess it's more like i wonder how old i'll be, & how i find out. like if i'm diagnosed when i'm at a stage that's difficult to treat & would cause lots of suffering & a decrease quality of life or just to die. or if i really want to know if i do have a disease or if i do, how long i have to live. basically coming down to: would i rather live life dying or dying knowing how much longer i have to live? i have a feeling i won't be able to answer this one for a while.

i think that's it for now, i hope everyone does well on their finals (:
yes, i know, it's really random & out there, but it's getting to be that time of the year

Immaturity

Immaturity (as defined by Merriam-Webster Online):

1 archaic : premature
2 a : lacking complete growth, differentiation, or development b : having the potential capacity to attain a definitive form or state : crude, unfinished school of art> c : exhibiting less than an expected degree of maturity

i'd just like to point out 2c. after living in the dorms & being around people my own age constantly, there are a few ironies that i'd like to point out, all going straight back to how they're being immature bitches but then whine about how they aren't being treated like adults later.

1) trash.
if you're reading this you may know about the whole trash saga in our room where we've been trying to get our fourth roommate to take out the trash since last Monday. it's been a week & our room has smelled like rotting potato chips, molding oranges, italian food gone bad after sitting for days outside of the fridge, & just nasty. now, maybe you don't know what's going on & you're wondering why we don't just take it out ourselves-because since she moved in, we've been picking up after her, she's sloppy, & we're tired of her mess. her excuse for waiting so long? "there isn't a trash can in the study lounge or the kitchen". i've actually seen her walking between the two, not finding one, & just walking back to our room. meanwhile, the trash keeps on piling up. apparently she doesn't understand that the longer she waits, the more trash there's going to be, the more work she's going to have to do. if she just took the two minutes to walk to the trash chute, where the trash is supposed to go, she would have saved so much time. honey, your promises are as meaningful as trusting a pathological liar. more action, less talk.
trash in the stairwells. come on, walking to the trash room literally takes three minutes. it's good for your health to get off your fat ass & walk there, i say "fat ass" because leaving your waste in the stairwells implies that you're lazy- why else would you do this? from my experience (feel free to call me out) lazy usually equates to fat. however, fat does NOT equal lazy by any means.
2) drama. wow, yeah. so much drama this year it's been ridiculous. from what i've seen it's mainly because some people are afraid of confrontation. that's great, just don't make such a huge deal about it.
3) self-victimization. oh man, i wish i could remember this quote from A Pearl in the Storm by Tori Murden (sidenote: phenomenal book. check it out) but it goes something along the lines of, "the only way you become a victim is if you allow it." i think this is a beautiful quote because yes, terrible things may or may not have happened to you, maybe you did or didn't deserve it, but the only way you become a victim and become powerless is if you let yourself. & what bothers me is when others are getting completely bent out of shape & trying to twist the story to look like they were the victim to get pity & start shit when they were the ones to blame for everything. not once, three times.
4) friends who don't bother to get their facts straight. don't get me wrong, it's great that everyone has friends and especially ones that have your back, but you can't blindly take your friend's word for the truth all the time & get so worked up about a situation that you were NEVER involved in. you added yourself into the equation yet you're acting like everything is a personal attack on you as well. not understanding this.
5) this may not chalk up to immaturity...but obnoxious spending. i'm talking about people who complain that they have no money, how broke they are, & complain about how expensive everything is. however, all i see them do is go out, buy top line stuff, & passively try to find a job (or complain about how their job doesn't support their study habits). i want to make this clear that i am not attacking some one specifically.
6) pulling the fire alarms. i'm thankful this stayed as the thing of last sem & nothing more. but really, is it that funny to watch everyone evacuate because of you?
7) inability to take responsibility. such as being asked if you did or said something & you completely deny it, & it's not in the "did you fart??" kinda way. for lack of a better example, the condom wrapper on our bathroom floor. process of elimination...it works wonders. especially since the only thing that's changed in our room the entire year is you. this does not only apply to my room of course

to be treated like an adult, you gotta act like one first.

ps-i've realized that i've complained a lot on here, promise the next blog will be more positive

just to complain somewhere

i am experiencing the worst cramps & aches of my life. i literally have been able to do nothing since getting back from lab until now.

that's it.




okay, lame i know. buuuuuut i AM working on another blog which i don't have enough time to write in one sitting (i'm super behind in schoolwork right now) but it'll be posted soon enough! besides, it's probably better to wait a while for this one

more thoughts

i'm kinda liking the thoughts over the last week, so here's a continuation:
well okay, before that, slight disclaimer-i did a lot of thinking this week, so this is a pretty substantial list

1) my mom's cooking is so weird sometimes, but always so good.
2) as much as Danielle, Rach, & I have joked about seeing President Obama speak at UMich's commencement, i actually might get a chance to go
3) Michigan weather is all kinds of schizophrenic
4) if i was religious, i'd be praying so hard to do well on the physics & physio exam
5) THANK GOD MY EXAMS ARE OVER
6) it's fact, i do smell.
7) i had the weirdest lunch-tortilla chips & lime, ice cream, & a whole carton of blueberries (YUM)
8) i HATE how my laptop won't work w/ clean access anymore...AKA no internet in the dorms. even though i've rebooted my laptop/reloaded clean access 48329408 times in total. so frustrating.
9) the humidity is killing me, i'm going to sweat to death
10) actually, i don't mind that i don't get internet at the dorms. i'm a lot more productive
11) i love that my mom bought me a brick of soy milk





yes, it's HUGE. & that's not what she said!





12) hahahahahah i feel so violated yet so accomplished that my first lap dance was by a complete stranger in the cafeteria at dinner. love wayne.
13) last hps seminar ever! yes!
14) WHY are we talking about different religions in hps? i know absolutely nothing about religion & no offense, i don't really care that much. (my theory: once you die, you're dead. i feel that people fall to religion so much to explain things they don't quite understand like suffering & how unfair life can be. & w/ that they use it to comfort themselves that whatever injustice in their physical life will be vindicated in the eternal afterlife. at some point in the vast majority's life, i feel like some one does something noteworthy to be considered a good person. or it's more of a just in case.) not to sound like a hippie & to end this mini rant, i believe in the goodness of people & sincere love. though life has started to prove me more & more wrong on this theory, i still believe that people will always do at least one redeemable act in their life.
15) the ending of Middlesex was somewhat lame
16) girls can be such dumb bitches, me included (at least i can admit it)
17) our living room smells like shit again. surprise surprise.
18) "material wealth cannot buy you happiness"
19) Circa w/ Brendon, Caitlin, & Rachel was so much fun, i've been missing out on other great opportunities to hang out w/ them
20) this semester is turning out to be sooo much better than i thought it would a few weeks ago! an A- on my physics exam, which pretty much locks in my A for the sem (HUGE relief), & a B on the human physio exam! hey, i'm proud of it, that class is for sure challenging. mayyybe i can even make the Dean's List again for more bragging rights to my fam?
21) i need to do more stairs & running in general
22) i either second guess myself too much, or am not able to fully grasp the bigger picture
23) play more tennis. my goal is to beat Jeff in a set, should be doable by the end of the year if i work hard i think
24) excited for this weekend! should be an amazing one, yet terrible for productivity. oh well.
25) ultimate = for the win! except i fail, but it's so much fun regardless (:
26) need different music, so tired of mine
27) impatientimpatientimpatient.
28) love that i'm finally being asked when i'm available for training a month & a half after i was hired. oh wsu, why am i not surprised?
29) so fortunate for my roommates, what an amazing learning experience it's been
30) i need to work on productivity in a major way
31) negative nancy's are such mood killers.
32) maybe i shouldn't skip physics...oh whatever
33) i need a hug
34) drama is stupid, if you can't deal w/ people you don't need to be snarky bitches about everything
35) you have no idea what is going in my life or what it's like so stop pretending like you have me figured out. you don't.
36) can't wait to see Vanya soon
37) stoked for the dance party tonight!
38) super thankful for Zach
39) nervous
40) i hope my Grandma will be okay...but at the same time, i think it's time for her to go
41) blackout wtf?
42) i liked going to Woodbridge (:
43) dance party win!
44) i'll be honest...i didn't like The Room
45) it's gorgeous outside, i think a run is in order for later today
46) i gotta get these papers done.

though it's only sunday afternoon, i think this is more than enough writing for one blog...especially since it's all about what i've been thinking about this last week. how narcissistic.

braindead.

instead of studying for a pop quiz that i think i'll have in about 10 min, i'm blogging. win!

BUT i just took my human physio exam & had my physics one an hour before that. i'm super happy that they're over, it means that i can enjoy the rest of the week & take a break until finals...okay not really but i can pretend, right? thankfully, the exams were easier than i expected but still didn't know everything, so i think i did well enough to keep my GPA above a 3.5

i guess i should start studying now...but something to leave you kids w/



hahahahha (:

(:

so i got the internship at the pharmacy school; hello stipend that will pay for my apt next year!
hopefully i'll get the undergrad grant/start working sometime soon, ASC fail for getting hired in february, filling out paperwork & all the tax forms, but still untrained & therefore unqualified to start tutoring about a month & a half later.

some of my thoughts over this past week:
1) i'm in love w/ this weather
2) i love taking walks day & night
3) meaningful conversations are my favorite way to get to know people
4) i'm lucky to have met some of the best people at wayne
5) not a fan of two exams on the same day, but pumped bc they're my last before finals!
6) a trip back to lake michigan/up north would make my summer
7) i really need to get back into shape a lot faster
8) mexicantown soon...thank god
9) i need to bring back soap
10) why is the warrior grille so fucking obnoxious?
11) slacking off in human physio = bad, yet that's all i do
12) i wish i was closer w/ my family
13) do i smell?
14) WHY DO I SMELL?
15) i can't wait to go downtown this week
16) people are tards...but it's cool that the news team visited my neighborhood to cover a story where some kids accidentally lit up about four acres of land.
17) i loved playing ultimate w/ some of the most supportive kids ever
18) i don't like five stars...especially on my ass.
19) i don't like being tickled...especially so that i'll squirm enough for a prime five star
20) starting off consecutive thought points w/ "i" sounds narcissistic/boring
21) more dance parties on top of the parking structure
22) less thinking, more doing